


Between Razor Blades and Pills

by Shrlckwtsn



Category: Lego Ninjago, The LEGO Ninjago Movie (2017)
Genre: Anorexia, Burning, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Sad, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, What Have I Done, Worthless, after everything that happened, he feels alone, kai wants to help lloyd, lloyds fucked up, self hatred, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 20:02:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17567072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shrlckwtsn/pseuds/Shrlckwtsn
Summary: Every time his family would ask him how he was doing he said he was fine.The funny thing is, nobody believed him– except for himself.Yes, he was sad a lot and sometimes he wouldn't allow himself to eat because he thought he wasn't worth it or he would think about ending his life so he wouldn't be such a burden to Ninjago anymore – but that was normal, right?





	Between Razor Blades and Pills

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyy  
> i can already tell you guys that updates are gonna be rare but they will take place.  
> i use this fanfiction to feel at least a bit better. i reflect my feelings in this fanfiction since i literally have no one but yeah,,,
> 
> hope you guys enjoy this prologue

Every time his family would ask him how he was doing he said he was fine.

The funny thing is, nobody believed him– except for himself.

Yes, he was sad a lot and sometimes he wouldn't allow himself to eat because he thought he wasn't worth it or he would think about ending his life so he wouldn't be such a burden to Ninjago anymore – but that was normal, right?

He didn't want to feel like that all the time, the thing is that he couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't even special to him anymore to feel like that. It had become a normal thing to him.

**......**

He still remembered the first time he felt so sad that he began to question his worth.

He was only four years old back then. His mother had just left him alone at a private school for bad boys.

His life there was _hell._

The other boys would always laugh at him and call him mean names. The teachers didn't care if Lloyd began to cry because of all the things the boys said to him. They sometimes even agreed with them, saying that he would never be as bad as his father – Lord Garmadon.

Lloyd never understood what he had done wrong. At first he didn't even want to be bad, he wanted to be good, just like the Ninja everyone would talk about. But it wasn't really his choice, he had to be like his father according to everyone in Ninjago.

So he started being mean to others so the other boys would stop hurting him, so that they would start to like him.

But that would never happen.

**......**

Lloyd wasn't happy about being the destined Green Ninja.

Not at all.

Cole, Kai, Jay and Zane were jealous of him. They said that he was lucky to be the Green Ninja and he should be happy about it. And he really wanted to be positive about it, yet he couldn't.

Being the Green Ninja meant that he had to defeat the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord who was also his father. He didn't want to fight his dad, he didn't want to hurt him at all. And he knew that Garmadon felt like that too.

The eight year old felt like everyone had been lying to him the past couple of years. Everyone had told him to be like his father and now it turned out that he was one of the good guys.

What a sick joke was his life even?

**......**

Giving up his childhood wasn't an easy choice. Well it wasn't even really a choice. The options were getting killed by the Groundle or throwing the tomorrows tea at it - and he definitely did not want to die.

When Lloyd awoke his body had completely changed, he wasn't that little eight year old kid anymore, he was now fourteen and the Final Battle was now closer than ever.

In the end Lloyd couldn't help but think that he had actually already given up his childhood many months before the tomorrows tea. His childhood had stopped the second he had found out that he was the Green Ninja.

**......**

The Overlord had killed his father and he was probably also going to die in that machine that began sucking out his golden power.

He had let everyone down. His friends, his uncle, his mother, Ninjago.

His _father._

They had just started to come closer and now he was taken away from him again. This time forever.

It was his fault, wasn't it? He should have defeated the Overlord back then in the Final Battle, but he was too weak to do what Destiny wanted him to.

He could feel how he got weaker every second while the Overlord got stronger.

And when the plane crashed, hew could have sworn that this was going to be his end.

In the end he didn't die, he survived. Would have been too nice of Destiny to just stop his misery, right?

**......**

Everything was his fault. Zane was dead, he would never come back and that was his fault!

He should have defeated the Overlord, he should have died – not Zane.

And he knew he was right, because those were Jay's words. After he said them he had apologized, saying that he was just full of anger and grief, he said that he never meant what he said. Lloyd knew better. Jay was right.

 _He_ should be dead now, not Zane.

**......**

The feeling of emptiness had hit him the first time after his father had passed.

That was the start of everything.

His father was so important to him. He was the only person of his family who he knew to truly care for him. His mother couldn't really get through to him as his father could. Also she would always put him after her work. She didn't really care for Lloyd. She just sometimes acted like a "good mom" probably to make herself feel better about being actually the worst mother ever. Everyone knew it. Everyone in Ninjago knew that his mother _never really_ cared.

He knew that Kai cared. A lot.

When the sixteen year old felt down and believed that everyone and everything had turned against him – Kai was there to guide and help him. He accepted him as a friend, even after his past at Darkley's and even thought he was the son of the most feared conqueror in Ninjago, he even accepted him as his little brother for crying out loud!

The blonde couldn't thank the hothead as much as he'd like to.

**......**

After Lloyd was saved from Morro's possession he was bombarded with questions asking him if he was okay. And should he be honest? He didn't know – he really didn't.

The loss of control of his own body had driven him insane. Watching Morro hurting his friends and other people. The lives Morro had ended with _his_ hands.

Sometimes he thought he could still hear his voice inside of his head, telling him that he was a burden,worthless, weak, he could go on. But he shouldn't- he'd just start to cry again.

**......**

When his friends made fun of him and didn't listen to him while he was a Sensei-in-training he felt disappointed, in himself.

His friends still saw him as that bratty little kid from years ago. It wasn't important what he had already done for Ninjago. It wasn't important how much he had sacrificed.

He'd never be enough.

**......**

The seventeen year old's mind felt like a battlefield when Nya and Kai told them that Wu had been lost in a time _stream._

He actually felt like the world was going to end.

Wu had taken care of him when nobody else cared. He gave him a new home, love,affection, hell his uncle had been like a second father to him. Losing him meant losing the last living member of his family who cared for him.

Now everything would be up to Lloyd. He was now the official leader of the group because he was the only sensei left. He was just a kid, yet Ninjago's well being was now up to him.

He didn't want to disappoint everyone, just like he _always_ did.

**......**

When Lloyd saw Harumi for the first time he was able to feel his heart racing in his chest. And as they started to talk and got to know each other he felt like she was the only person for whom he didn't have to act like the "great leader".

He fell for Harumi so fast that he didn't even realize what was happening. And when he found out that she was the Quiet One he could feel his heart break. She had used him to get the third Oni mask and to resurrect his "father".

It was at this point that he seemed to notice after all those years that Morro was right.

He was useless and weak.

**......**

He thought Harumi betraying him was hard or his own father trying to kill him but nothing had ever hurt as much as the second he thought his friends had died.

It was his fault.

If he hadn't just went away that night to go and fight his father Garmadon would have never unlocked his true potential and his friends, no his family would still be alive. They would be right next to him.

But that wouldn't happen anymore. And it was alone his fault, all of Ninjago knew that.

He was a _murderer._

**......**

It now had been years since the defeat of the Son's of Garmadon. Everything was back to normal but Lloyd couldn't help it but go back to certain coping mechanisms he used when he was younger.

He had no one to talk to about his feelings, no one would understand. No one would care. So he just let it all out on himself. He started cutting and burning himself, restricting food. He wouldn't stop until he felt like he had the proper punishment for just existing.

His friends wouldn't stop to always ask him about his well being. They noticed his friend had changed over the past few months. He's become silent and he was always sad, starring off into the distance with a tired look. They were concerned.

Lloyd would always say that he was fine though. Nobody believed him, They knew he wasn't alright. Cole had caught him cutting himself in the bathroom. Of course he promised him to never do it again, but all the team knew that he was in fact still harming himself.

It made them upset – especially Kai. He couldn't understand how someone that talented and beautiful could feel so bad hat they would harm themselves.

He didn't understand what Lloyd was going through. But he really wanted to help him. They all did.


End file.
